I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
