Kiss
Puke
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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