Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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