I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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