hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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