do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
