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Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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