So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
