So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
