the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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