3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
