Moan for me like Helen Keller
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
