what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
