2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
