I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
