yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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