I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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