Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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