Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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