I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
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Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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