My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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