Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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