I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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