guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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