so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
