Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
