i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
