A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
