Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter