I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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