My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
