Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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