I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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