this beer tastes like vomit already
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
