I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
