I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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