If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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