he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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