i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize
