dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
