Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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