On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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