The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer