Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I wish i was in the wii world.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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