i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
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craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
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He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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