You're a womanizer and a bitch.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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