apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
