final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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