ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
