you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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