I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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