Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
