I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
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Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
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Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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