I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
