Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
