that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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