can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
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Did I show you my penis last night?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
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Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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