I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
accomplished twins. life is a go
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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