Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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