i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
