Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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