Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked