she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
